Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Immediately following last evening’s rephrasing of “introduced legislation to allot $38,000 in subsidies to Susquehanna County wind farms” to “spearheaded a collective legislative effort to develop effective energy solutions throughout the commonwealth,” it became painfully obvious that tax attorney and Pennsylvania Representative Todd Kilgore (D-Erie) had completely written his own Wikipedia page. Further evidence discovered by all six page visitors pointed at the fact that Kilgore’s picture was from 15 years ago, before he put on “post-election weight,” in addition … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
Speculation continues to arise about the possibility of what the middle name of Dilbert Petersen, a fourth-year with a white father and a Moroccan mother, could be, with many reportedly suggesting that it is probably “a freaking doozy.” “Man, there’s got to be at least three vowels or consonants in a row somewhere in there,” pondered housemate Rick Thomas, who got stuck with the middle name Joshua. “Just thinking about how many times an … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
A recent study conducted by the University Health Department has found that for students who are seeking a less carcinogenic substitute their daily rat poison, Diet Coke may be the best option. Both chemical analysis and a state-wide taste survey suggest that the zero-calorie beverage carries both flavor and consistency similar to that of household rat poison, but with the added extra of … Continue reading
Thursday, October 25, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Scientists from the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) released a ground-breaking new report this week that sheds further light on the apparent link between drugs and certain death. The report represents the culmination of a multi-decade study wherein a group of 500 subjects were surveyed annually to see whether they had tried … Continue reading
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new study released yesterday afternoon showed that American students have yet again fallen behind their foreign counterparts and that not a single participant in the study could even locate a map. “97% of Taiwanese students correctly identified Burkina Faso on a blank map of the world, and 93% of Swedish children … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Hadjiri Namad, a junior at the University of Kabul, was proud to have been granted the opportunity to work with a number of over-privileged Americans this spring break. Instead of tending his herd of sheep or arming children with Soviet-era weapons, he volunteered to spend his week helping those in need. “It was hard work, … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
People all across the world are hailing local man Ricky Loggins for coming up with an imaginatively clever meme that captures the essence of what so many are feeling these days. The unemployed computer-owner who, up until last week was just one of many mere YouTube commenters, decided to challenge himself artistically and after nearly … Continue reading
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