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Sunday, April 20, 2014

Woman Angry She Didn’t End Up in University-Wide Email

An easily sendable email, which Michael A. Gibson and the rest of the University community completely failed to utilize regarding an utterly horrendous event that occurred last weekend.

An easily sendable email, which Michael A. Gibson and the rest of the University community completely failed to utilize regarding an utterly horrendous event that occurred last weekend.

An unnamed University female was upset to learn that Chief of Police Michael A. Gibson and the rest of the school’s officials have yet to publicly acknowledge the fact that she was nearly kidnapped, defiled, and murdered this past Thursday evening after an employee of Runk Dining Hall attempted to take advantage of her in an utterly horrific event.

“I’m just really pissed that Lauren got whistled at on Wertland two weeks ago, and UVA talked about her for an entire email. Some guy tried to throw me into his car and rape me, and I don’t even get a single comment,” said the unnamed female, whose near sexual assault and murder still hasn’t been addressed by the administration. “It’s so unfair.”

Gibson’s outbox reportedly has several emails queued about sorority girls getting waved at on Beta Bridge, as well as a Happy Thanksgiving message that he spent most of the weekend perfecting. However, nothing in his email lineup mentions, refers to, or even remotely hints at the fact that a student of this school was nearly assaulted and almost killed by one of its employees.

As of press time Dean of Students Allen Groves, the other source of University news, has responded to the incident with several UVA sports updates and an entirely new #BowTieFriday post.

 

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