Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Although fourth-year Steve Balik had maintained the stance that the posterior of his girlfriend “refuses to quit,” sources close to third-year Jenna Moran’s ass are reporting that it has in fact done just that. Sick of the daily grind of twerkin’ 9 to 5, the ass cracked before handing in its two-cheeks notice. Though Jenna’s ass often complained about being the butt of jokes at … Continue reading
Monday, November 12, 2012
An unnamed University female was upset to learn that Chief of Police Michael A. Gibson and the rest of the school’s officials have yet to publicly acknowledge the fact that she was nearly kidnapped, defiled, and murdered this past Thursday evening after an employee of Runk Dining Hall attempted to take advantage of her in … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
News just broke that apparently that white dude with an afro that has been walking your way for the past thirty seconds is not, in fact, your white guy with an afro, but just that other white guy with an afro that you see from time to time. “Damn, I was really hoping that was my boy,” said friend Pat McDavid, who … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
The University of Virginia’s premier improvisational comedy troupe, The Whethermen, has found itself amid a scandal, as students have come to realize that their “Please, Anyone? Take My Flyer, Please!” skit is not actually improvised, and has been performed dozens of time in the exact same manner. ”Look, I know it’s hard to keep fresh and sometimes these groups will re-use sketches and things,” commented third-year … Continue reading
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
According to University officials, the city of Charlottesville lies dead center in the eye of Hurricane Sandy for the fifty-first consecutive day, as students and townspeople continue to brace for impending doom. “The University of Virginia never cancels classes, so you know something bad is about to happen at any second,” remarked second-year Patrick Nealy before calling … Continue reading
Thursday, October 18, 2012
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – Members of the Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship are lobbying the Sullivan administration in hopes of bringing back Easters, the infamous all-day riot once called “the best party in America” by Playboy magazine. The event was discontinued in 1982 for liability reasons, but Chi Alpha aims to change that. “It sounded so neat,” … Continue reading
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Local man Frank Webber’s bank can blow him this Tuesday after charging a bullshit overage fee on a checking account that has overdraft protection. The $5 charge, which will not be paid by Webber, had better get taken off his account immediately, sources say, before he has half a mind to take his business elsewhere, … Continue reading
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Local high school senior Brendan Fortuner was proud to announce to his friends that he had gained admission into Becca Hanson last night, even though he had been denied just a week earlier by Kelly McDavid. Though not his first choice, he is apparently satisfied and just glad he got in somewhere and will not … Continue reading
Thursday, September 20, 2012
In a historic moment for underage students everywhere, an unborn fetus was offered entrance into Charlottesville’s Coupe De Ville’s Bar this past Monday. “A lot of my friends had been telling me to come out to bars with them for some time now,” said the fetus. “I was pretty skeptical at first, especially considering that … Continue reading
Thursday, September 20, 2012
A new set of rankings by the US News & World Report has placed UVA’s Rugby Road residence area in the top 25 for both ‘America’s Best Neighborhoods for Young Adults’ and ‘America’s Most Blighted Slum’. Bounded by Emmet Street to the west and 14th street to the east, Rugby Road consists of the major … Continue reading
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Charlottesville resident Lisa Henderson announced this past Wednesday afternoon that she was not sure her FDA-approved arthritis pills were working anymore and that she would look into an alternative form of treatment from a culture that once worshiped flying serpents. “We really need to get away from all the harmful chemicals they’re putting out there,” … Continue reading
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA – The UVA Alumni Association announced yesterday that The Cavalier Daily has been nominated for the George B. Whitehead Award for “above-and-beyond contributions to fellow man.” Alumni Association Director Raymond Sutherland praised UVA’s daily newspaper for having the selflessness to put aside their goals of hard-hitting, insightful journalism and instead provide Charlottesville’s homeless … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
First-Year Anjay Sungkar is excited to announce that next year he and several of his closest friends will leave Hereford Residential College behind and instead make the big move out to Jefferson Park Avenue, where he expects it to be “just fucking nuts.” “There are gonna be parties all the time and no RAs,” said the computer … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Students are mourning the loss of hundreds of dollars worth of J. Crew merchandise after a dramatic car wreck late last night on Rugby Road. Sources indicate that a BMW M3 coupe driven by a pair of vintage corduroy pants and a field knit jersey polo crossed the center line and impacted a BMW M3 … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
After nine years of occupying the area next to Boylan Heights on the Corner, local homeless man Tony Peterson’s existence is now being regarded as one of the most dedicated, long lasting protests in Charlottesville history. The vagrant has shown absolutely no signs of letting up, and is apparently so committed to his cause that … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Part-time disc jockey and 300 lb. man DJ $lim released a brand new mix yesterday that many of his friends say was not only “pretty sweet” but also light and tasteful. $lim plans on showing off this mix, and many more, to bigger crowds soon. “This weekend I’m gonna be making the freshest mixes over … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Local man Michael Carey announced yesterday that his new best friend was next door neighbor and 70 inch flat screen TV owner Gerald Allen, leaving his two and a half year old Black Lab, Rusty, sad and alone. Allen, who reportedly has a pool and shares a passion for the music of Steely Dan, is … Continue reading
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