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Friday, April 18, 2014

Students Just Glad to Have Something to Complain About Again


The entire student populace of the University of Virginia has been breathing easy again as the vote on the Honor Committee’s proposal to reform the process of jury selection and informed retraction has united the student body behind “Yes” or “No,” with 100 percent of those polled having a strong opinion.

“Man, I thought for a minute there I was going to have to check out House of Cards on Netflix or like, volunteer at a hospital or something,” said third-year opinion-haver Jessica Randolph as she scrolled through Wikipedia’s article on the concept of “honor” to understand the basics. “Good thing this came up.”

Like many other students, second-year Maggie Lunsford is just happy to be able to voice her opinion on such important matters.

Students throughout Mr. Jefferson’s University have been united in opinion-having since late last month, when the Honor Committee voted 25-1 to make itself the center of attention for several weeks.

“Even first-years can get in on the action!” remarked fourth-year and veteran of the protest circuit Virginia Moore. “Sure, those kids missed out on much of the ‘Not Gay’ and Living Wage and Sullivan resignation and  Dragas reappointment and Magnolia trees arguments, but thanks to the Honor reforms, they have a whole new opportunity to find fault with something!”

As of last week, second-year Sarah Ellison, the University’s sole remaining undecided voter, was inspired to vote “Yes” during eight of Honor Chair Stephen Nash’s thirty-seven discussion panels. However, upon reading a Cavalier Daily opinion piece on the topic, Ellison could not believe how foolish she had been and resolved to take the bold stance of “No.”

“It just makes a whole lot of sense to vote ‘No’ on the issue,” announced Ellison later to each of her 873 Facebook friends. “I mean, it says so right there in the first paragraph. And isn’t it good for minorities if we vote against the proposal? Or something?”

In spite of all the student outcry, many others at the University remain apathetic. “It’s nice to see the students so passionate,” admitted Newcomb card swiper Kathy McGruder, “but honestly, if they’re not actually lying, cheating, or stealing then I don’t see what all the fuss is over.”

As of press time, first-year Dan Taylor is praying it won’t rain between now and when polls close, lest the bare sidewalks leave him forgetting how he was going to vote.


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