Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Saturday evening’s Culbreth Theatre showing of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead was executed to near perfection, with third-year Ryan Leach’s performance as the feckless Rosencrantz receiving a standing ovation from the sell-out crowd of eleven moms, six Intro to Acting students there for extra credit, and five hundred and seventy-eight members of the casts and crews of entirely different University productions. “It was so nice … Continue reading
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The entire student populace of the University of Virginia has been breathing easy again as the vote on the Honor Committee’s proposal to reform the process of jury selection and informed retraction has united the student body behind “Yes” or “No,” with 100 percent of those polled having a strong opinion. “Man, I thought for … Continue reading
Saturday, December 1, 2012
MCLEAN, VA – High School senior Maurice Winter was glad to learn that his cumulative score of 2030 on the nationally-administered Scholastic Aptitude Test was a full 1800 points more than he needed to place out of the introductory-level James Madison University. “Plenty of my friends are stuck there now, so I’m just glad to not have to deal with it at all,” said the student, who is able to take more relevant, challenging … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
Honor Committee Chair Stephen Nash announced this morning that The Cavalier Daily will soon be facing plagiarism charges, as it was discovered this past week to have stolen 100% of its material from a poorly written, out-of-date website known as cavalierdaily.com. “I don’t know why the Cav Daily would even consider copying articles from this awful website,” remarked third-year Matt Weyback. “Just … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
WERTLAND AVE – Last Saturday’s “Don’t Tell Brian” Themed Party to celebrate third-year Brittany Armistead’s birthday was a major success, reported party-goers, as dozens of her friends gathered in her apartment to drink beer, catch-up with each other, and avoid Brian, who wasn’t invited. “It was so much fun and pretty much everyone got really into the whole theme,” said Armistead’s best friend and party attendee … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
This past Saturday morning, roommate Jeff announced that the commonly practiced though controversial trend of mixing caffeine and alcohol has absolutely no negative side effects and is a great way of staying out late and having fun. “Look, Steve and I did like 6 Jagerbombs each last night before downing a Red Bull and heading out to Boylan and we had a great frickin’ time,” reported Jeff, who has had no trouble adjusting to the … Continue reading
Monday, November 5, 2012
First-year Robert Bedford boldly announced this past Wednesday that he did, in fact, plan to “go out” that night and consume an amount of alcohol in excess of the Surgeon General’s official recommendation. Hundreds of students were notified of this development via a terse update on Bedford’s Facebook account. The status, “wasted wednsday”, shocked many of Bedford’s friends and family with its understated cool, alliterative wit, and … Continue reading
Thursday, September 20, 2012
A study released this Tuesday by researchers at the Darden School of Business revealed that despite its excellent buffet menu, quality ingredients, and unmatched low prices, there is not a single Golden Corral anywhere near the University of Virginia. “Our findings are a bit startling,” said Darden research assistant Timothy Watson. “There are a number … Continue reading
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Starting this Monday, the University unveiled a new program aimed at raising student awareness of student awareness. The week-long campaign seeks to promote the struggle of idealistic students who routinely think about and attempt to solve the pressing issues of our time. The campaign’s slogan “Save the Would-Be Saviors” can be seen around Grounds plastered … Continue reading
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
A new study, made public last Friday night while you were sitting at home re-watching season one of Archer, confirms that everyone at the University of Virginia is partaking in various acts of sexual intercourse. Everyone except you. The study, conducted via text message to all of your classmates, proves once and for all that … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Last Friday evening, the weekly meeting of the Ancient and Honorable Jefferson Literary and Debating Society ended in a brawl after members Owen Gallogly and Roraig Finney thought it wise to resolve a dispute with a test of physical prowess. After failing to reach a conclusion about whether the lower-class should bear “all of” or … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
First-year Cameron Becker was admitted to Student Health yesterday and diagnosed with an advanced form of rabies after receiving a roaming pack of feral dogs as his roommate. Despite informing his friends, Resident Advisor, and the Department of Housing and Student Life of his unfortunate situation, they all shrugged it off as merely exaggerated roommate … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
“My Mom always told me that if a guy aggressively grabs your hips while listening to Lil’ Jon, you’re on your way to a happy marriage,” explained first-year Katie Langler. Some girls envision themselves spotting their future spouse on a romantic beach or on a busy street corner. Langler, however, says she “always expected to … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Today Sociology Professor Thomas Guterbock released the results of his year-long study on the drinking habits of UVa students. The study concluded that pregaming, the act of drinking slightly cheaper alcohol with slightly fewer people in a slightly smaller area before moving elsewhere, has increased twenty-fold due to the introduction of what Guterbock calls “Pre-pregaming.” … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Hundreds of skinny-jean-clad students are still nonchalant today after the death of fellow indie kid Chance Casbeer, who was crushed by a PBR truck on Tuesday. Chance, a 21 year-old music studies major, was crossing Main Street when he stumbled and was struck by the truck’s left front fender, right between the vehicle’s Pro-life and … Continue reading
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