Monday, September 24, 2012
The Student Council’s recent condemnation of chanting the words “not gay” during the singing of “The Good Old Song” reminded students, faculty, and staff that it is of the utmost importance to not yell out highly offensive, morally reprehensible slurs during home football games. Sources close to the entire University of Virginia populace report that had the Student … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
High school graduate Connor Lang was shocked to find that his carefully timed “So it goes” was not noted by a single person in his hall, despite its perfect placement at the end of a conversation about the St. Louis Rams’ overtime loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Vonnegut quote, which Lang had been saving … Continue reading
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Misguided first-year student Cindy Langler recently learned that she is now pregnant and believes Pre-Comm to be the culprit, despite denials of this accusation from the McIntire School of Commerce. “Pre-Comm only contains trace amounts of actual Comm,” remarked McIntire Dean Carl Zeithaml. “It’s really just there to introduce concepts to students and clear the … Continue reading
Monday, April 30, 2012
University of Virginia Chief of Police Michael A. Gibson announced this morning that the remains of second-year Jared Smith’s dream of becoming a famous poet were found in the basement of Robertson Hall. This discovery, which came just hours after Smith decided to officially join the McIntire School of Commerce, is just the latest in … Continue reading
Saturday, February 11, 2012
After a series of fiercely contested elections, the once-popular organization “Hoos for Cannibalism” now finds itself starved for funding as membership dwindles. Initially hungry to establish a firm presence on Grounds, the new group’s prestige declined after meetings became swallowed in bitter infighting. “Our recent problems have been hard to digest, especially once the salt … Continue reading
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
After eleven years of waiting, students at the University of Virginia can finally stop holding their breath today with the return the Yellow Journal. The Journal, which traces its roots back to 1921, has often been compared to Mick Jagger: both were good at one point, but should probably have stopped a long time ago. … Continue reading
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
This past Friday, the 1 pm discussion section of ENAM 3500 suffered through fifty minutes of second-year Howard Planker’s insistence that The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is riddled with homoerotic symbolism. What began as a discussion on the symbolism of the raft trip quickly devolved into a debate over whether Huck or Jim would be “the pitcher,” … Continue reading
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