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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

First-Year Utters “So It Goes,” Looks Around, Repeats A Little Louder

High school graduate Connor Lang was shocked to find that his carefully timed “So it goes” was not noted by a single person in his hall, despite its perfect placement at the end of a conversation about the St. Louis Rams' overtime loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Vonnegut quote, which Lang had been saving … Continue reading

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Dick Stamp Finally Put to Use

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA — Yesterday, after reading reports of possible snowfall in the morning, 37-year-old Hank Moran decided it was finally time to dust off the windshield-sized dick stamp he had been storing underneath the glow-in-the-dark coffee table next to his severed-arm-lamp. “I scored this off my buddy Serj last December” said Moran, admiring the 17-lb … Continue reading

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REPORT: Nation’s Bright, Creative Children Losing Jobs to Nation’s Good-for-Nothing Disgraces

WASHINGTON D.C – According to a joint study conducted by the UNESCO Global Forum and the United States Department of Education, a staggering number of the United States’ gifted little angels have forfeited their post-college employment prospects to a surging tide of idiot, no-good dishonors to their parents. The study, which conducted tests to assess … Continue reading

Anna Burke

U.Va Mails Out Complete Set of Undergraduate Yearbook Photos

Yesterday, in a move Carr’s Hill is calling “embarrassing,” the University of Virginia Office of Student Affairs inadvertently mailed the 8th grade yearbook photos of all 14,600 undergraduate students. Despite intending to solicit donations from distinguished alumni, the University mistakenly dispatched large manila envelopes containing photographs of bespectacled undergrads as well as their names and … Continue reading

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New Food Truck Brings Long Lines, Short Supply

New food truck brings long lines, short supply Kicking up a cloud of dust as it pulled off the road, EAT drew crowds before even opening its doors. The new food sensation is just the latest in a series of mobile restaurants struggling to keep up with demand. “I’ve been here with my entire family … Continue reading